This is really nicely done. Romcom is absolutely not my cup of tea, but the murder mystery aspects of this were so engaging that it didn't matter. I'm very curious about who actually killed Dr. David, and I agree with the other commenters who said the two main characters, with their unique, "crazy" perspectives, could be expanded into a duo that solves a number of different crimes that the police fail to.
Love these comments. Thank you so much for taking the time to be so thoughtful. We are getting to the stories you flagged. Really appreciate this Judith!
i totally agree as well! i would also like to add this would have read quite lovely as a novella of some sorts, i was hooked from start to finish, and murder mystery romcom isn't the typical romance subgenre i read. but this piece may have convinced me to read more in the subgenre! amazing work by the way, absolutely smashed it <3
Thank you so much. It’s not my typical genre either! I’m honestly not sure there is anyone writing in this genre combination with this tone. It came out of a discussion with a producer and then I wrote it mostly to serve as a basis for a film pitch. We now have a big producer, director and screenwriter attached and will take the team to pitch to studios in the coming month or so. I’m excited. I could also end up expanding it into a novella or novel as I own the the publishing rights. Anyway it means the world to me that you took the time to read and comment. I’m still getting used to the idea of having any readers at all! If you liked this I would suggest “bunny never sleeps” which originally sold to Netflix. And “the sad lawyer” which I think is my strongest writing yet. My Substack is and will always be free! Thank you again!
Hi Max, this was really screenplay worthy and was really engaging. It's a different kind of writing mentality, very easy to visualise and fast paced. Not sure if I'm allowed to ask this, but how do you picture or visualise the outline as you write, what's your process look like?
Somehow I missed this comment! Of course you’re allowed to ask! This is really just my natural writing style. When I sit down this is how it comes out. It may come from just my many years in film and reading screenplays. For better or worse. I want to try and write in a more literary style someday. I think I can do it but this is more fun for me. I want to entertain people. This story in particular just came to me and the characters started speaking for themselves. It was almost like I was listening and writing it down not making it up. I don’t generally outline short stories but I do outline when I am expanding into a script or novel. I think that’s super important. But this one especially was just me going at it. And then several days of revising and trying to layer in things to make it more subtle or more punchy. Just want the read to flow.
The story telling was great here, great dialogue. Jimmy reminds me a bit of Jimmy from the wire a bit. I’m not a huge fan of some of the tropey stuff about mental illness, pink hair or daddy issues but I’m sure it would play well for certain crowds. I enjoyed the murder mystery aspect to this a lot.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read! It’s such a huge ask of your time! And I always appreciate honesty and when people aren’t afraid to say what they didn’t like. You’re right. I’m walking a fine line on mental illness here and purposefully going right at jokes about “daddy issues” etc. It’s a hard thing to pull off these days where we are all so deep into therapyspeak and being so vocal about mental health — I know it’s dangerous territory where I’m bound to offend. But I wanted to tread lightly and go for it anyway, and hopefully it’s received in the manner it’s meant, with an amused, knowing twinkle in my eye. One of the reasons this got film people interested in the first place is I think we are all so bombarded with mental health talk as a culture but we don’t laugh enough about it. Everyone is diagnosed and self diagnosed these days. Anyway, thank you so much for the comment!
This was really engaging and had me hooked from the start. I love a murder mystery and the romance aspect fits well. If I can say one thing I think the kiss came too early. Other than that I really enjoyed this.
Thank you for this. I saved the link and will try to get to it ASAP. And you clarify: it’s not a screenplay. Screenplays have a very specific industry standard format. This is a short story written with the aspirations to be optioned/sold for film and expanded into a a feature screenplay. A movie screenplay for an entire film would be 90 pages and in a different format completely.
Thank you so much for reading! Also I appreciate the constructive criticism. The culture of Substack is so overwhelmingly positive sometimes it feels like people don’t fixed anything other than praise and this is more real than that — and appreciated. I thought about that kiss being early too. It was one of the last things added in revisions at the last moment. Truly the motivation behind it was to give the romcom part of the story an exclamation point at the end because I knew film producers and execs would be reading it and I wanted them to know my intention to really push this as a pure combo of romcom and murder mystery. Maybe in the full feature script it would make sense to hold it back, although I did try to give it context by saying that Veronica has impulse control issues. Anyway thank you so much again!!
I actually wasn’t sure wether to say it because it is a screenplay. So there are evidently rules for it I may not know :) I agree that everyone here is so positive which is really nice but doesn’t help growing. Since you know about dialogue and scenes I’d love for you to give feedback on this:
I love the snappy dialogue in this and found both protagonists interesting. It feels to me like the start of a longer series; odd-couple private detective duo solving crimes that the police can't. It's a popular trope on TV at the moment. I'd love to read a follow up where they find the murderer!
Thanks, Matt. I’ve attached a big producer and a director with the idea to adapt this into a romcom murder mystery feature. I’ll be producing. But likely not adapting myself. I can’t wait to be able to publicly announce who is involved as I am pinching myself. Really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment!
I can see why this got snatched up for development! The intrigue, pacing, and snappy dialogue make it all be begging to be acted out onscreen—I’m definitely envisioning star charisma for these characters. Kind of imagining Margot Robbie again 😆 but maybe that’s just because I was already thinking of her from Bunny. I dunno, she could 100% pull this off though.
Like some other commenters, this is not necessarily my genre, but it kept me engaged and very interested in the outcome. So it’s quite educational for me as far as understanding what kinds of stories are drawing interest for development, and what all that looks like! Very cool. Thanks for sharing your work!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read! That means so much to me. As of now, the most likely expansion for this is as a script written by someone WAY more qualified and experienced than me. Can’t wait to announce it! In the meantime, if you liked this you may like “bunny never sleeps” or “interdimensional beings”. My Substack is always free. Hope you keep in touch. Thanks again. 🙏
This was very intriguing. The writing pulled me in and I really like how realistic the inner monologues were… how they each make such quick, unfounded judgements like people are so apt to do: “daddy issues” “high school drop out”
I also enjoyed the casual reference to the constant diagnostic fluidity that earmarks our current mental health industry… our friend Jimmy lists off a whole series of reasons for his symptoms before establishing he and the good doctor never quite nailed it down. Nice.
Thank you so much for this. As I’ve written in the comments this one was tricky because mental health is such a hot button issue that everyone takes so seriously today and so trying to write about it with a light touch risks offending — but I am so happy many people have “gotten” the tone and what I was going for. It’s all just such a huge part of our culture and the way we talk now that I want to have a little fun with it. I have always always gravitated toward stories about a range of mental health issues from neurodiverse characters to straight up sociopaths. We are all on various spectrums and have our issues and I think actors want to play these kinds of characters. I love SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK as an example.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and all the way to the end. That’s so nice of you. Glad you enjoyed! Hope to keep in touch. If you liked this you might like “bunny never sleeps” which sold to Netflix.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment! It means so much to me. After Netflix killed the project “bunny never sleeps”, and I was rejected by publishers for the short story collection — I never thought anyone would ever read my stuff! Thank you. My Substack is and always will be free. Please keep in touch! If you liked this, you may like “Bunny” or my other wild female narrators in “sharp instrument” and “blue light”.
Thanks! That means so much. For some reason this story hasn’t gotten as many comments as some of my others but I’m really proud of it and the level of talent coming together for the film version is kind of crazy.
Really liking this! One food-for-thought note: Veronica falling for Jimmy so fast hits that familiar trope where a smart, self-aware woman falls hard for a chaotic, low-effort guy (and a proven liar). She mentions he’s handsome and charismatic, but she also clocks that he looks like a high-school dropout who works at a gas station - which makes the attraction feel confusing/less believable. It’s the one place where Veronica starts to read like a woman written by a man, because it undercuts her standards and self-esteem. If that dynamic is intentional, maybe lean into it. Is he a breath of fresh air in her buttoned-up, type-A life? Does he offer an “answer” in a world that feels full of riddles (including her own mental health)? Giving us a bit more insight into why this guy hits her so hard would make the whole thing feel more grounded. Excited to see where it goes next!
Thanks, Laura. I really appreciate it. It’s rare on Substack to receive any actual constructive criticism so I am happy to hear this. As a man who writes many female led projects, these issues are particularly important to me. As we adapt it into a feature I would want to clarify a few things. My feeling was that Veronica is not someone who is at a point in life where her standards and self-esteem are riding high. Both characters are at low points and vulnerable (I really am inspired by the pairing in SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK — they both have issues!) And despite Jimmy’s townie/gas station vibe he does have a lot of appeal beyond looks and charisma. For one thing: he’s right that it was a murder. In my mind I see them as two people who everyone around them has stopped taking very seriously — and for the first time, they are in a situation where there is one other person, the only person who does. So yes, what I’m going for is exactly what you articulated. For Veronica, Jimmy is exciting because he offers an earnest, sincere opportunity to believe in something. I’m very much interested in how in our current culture people cling to conspiracy theories and true crime cases to give their life meaning. And I think it’s genuinely romantic to watch two misfits be the only ones to believe in each other. She does fall too fast and kiss him too soon and declare her love way too soon. But I chalk that up to one of her “undiagnosed” issues being impulse control. And I think it’s fun to imagine a female character going through an “investigation” with a trait like lack of impulse control which is typically a male thing. Mostly I want to have fun on this ride with them and not shy away from the fact that real mental health issues can be serious and it’s good our culture is more open to talking about them, but they are also sometimes funny and that’s okay. When it comes down to it we all have issues!
Absolutely. The idea of love addiction is great. I think Veronica is a somewhat dangerous character for me to write as a man because out of all my female leads she is the type that is the most vulnerable to being seen as a cliched “weak” woman. We went through an era there where all the female characters had to be #girlboss “strong female leads” and “badasses” and I got a bit sick of it. I like messy people. I like “unsympathetic” women. I think both characters will be redeemed by being right in the end and solving the murder.
Thank you so much! It’s kind of crazy thing to ask perfect strangers to read your fiction. So, I hope you enjoy! My Substack is and will always be free. Hope you’ll join us as we talk film industry stuff in the Notes daily. Let’s stay connected! Good news on this one is we are making some crazy progress putting it together for film. Hope to update everyone soon.
This is really nicely done. Romcom is absolutely not my cup of tea, but the murder mystery aspects of this were so engaging that it didn't matter. I'm very curious about who actually killed Dr. David, and I agree with the other commenters who said the two main characters, with their unique, "crazy" perspectives, could be expanded into a duo that solves a number of different crimes that the police fail to.
Love these comments. Thank you so much for taking the time to be so thoughtful. We are getting to the stories you flagged. Really appreciate this Judith!
i totally agree as well! i would also like to add this would have read quite lovely as a novella of some sorts, i was hooked from start to finish, and murder mystery romcom isn't the typical romance subgenre i read. but this piece may have convinced me to read more in the subgenre! amazing work by the way, absolutely smashed it <3
Thank you so much. It’s not my typical genre either! I’m honestly not sure there is anyone writing in this genre combination with this tone. It came out of a discussion with a producer and then I wrote it mostly to serve as a basis for a film pitch. We now have a big producer, director and screenwriter attached and will take the team to pitch to studios in the coming month or so. I’m excited. I could also end up expanding it into a novella or novel as I own the the publishing rights. Anyway it means the world to me that you took the time to read and comment. I’m still getting used to the idea of having any readers at all! If you liked this I would suggest “bunny never sleeps” which originally sold to Netflix. And “the sad lawyer” which I think is my strongest writing yet. My Substack is and will always be free! Thank you again!
Hi Max, this was really screenplay worthy and was really engaging. It's a different kind of writing mentality, very easy to visualise and fast paced. Not sure if I'm allowed to ask this, but how do you picture or visualise the outline as you write, what's your process look like?
Somehow I missed this comment! Of course you’re allowed to ask! This is really just my natural writing style. When I sit down this is how it comes out. It may come from just my many years in film and reading screenplays. For better or worse. I want to try and write in a more literary style someday. I think I can do it but this is more fun for me. I want to entertain people. This story in particular just came to me and the characters started speaking for themselves. It was almost like I was listening and writing it down not making it up. I don’t generally outline short stories but I do outline when I am expanding into a script or novel. I think that’s super important. But this one especially was just me going at it. And then several days of revising and trying to layer in things to make it more subtle or more punchy. Just want the read to flow.
The story telling was great here, great dialogue. Jimmy reminds me a bit of Jimmy from the wire a bit. I’m not a huge fan of some of the tropey stuff about mental illness, pink hair or daddy issues but I’m sure it would play well for certain crowds. I enjoyed the murder mystery aspect to this a lot.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read! It’s such a huge ask of your time! And I always appreciate honesty and when people aren’t afraid to say what they didn’t like. You’re right. I’m walking a fine line on mental illness here and purposefully going right at jokes about “daddy issues” etc. It’s a hard thing to pull off these days where we are all so deep into therapyspeak and being so vocal about mental health — I know it’s dangerous territory where I’m bound to offend. But I wanted to tread lightly and go for it anyway, and hopefully it’s received in the manner it’s meant, with an amused, knowing twinkle in my eye. One of the reasons this got film people interested in the first place is I think we are all so bombarded with mental health talk as a culture but we don’t laugh enough about it. Everyone is diagnosed and self diagnosed these days. Anyway, thank you so much for the comment!
This was really engaging and had me hooked from the start. I love a murder mystery and the romance aspect fits well. If I can say one thing I think the kiss came too early. Other than that I really enjoyed this.
Thank you for this. I saved the link and will try to get to it ASAP. And you clarify: it’s not a screenplay. Screenplays have a very specific industry standard format. This is a short story written with the aspirations to be optioned/sold for film and expanded into a a feature screenplay. A movie screenplay for an entire film would be 90 pages and in a different format completely.
Thank you so much for reading! Also I appreciate the constructive criticism. The culture of Substack is so overwhelmingly positive sometimes it feels like people don’t fixed anything other than praise and this is more real than that — and appreciated. I thought about that kiss being early too. It was one of the last things added in revisions at the last moment. Truly the motivation behind it was to give the romcom part of the story an exclamation point at the end because I knew film producers and execs would be reading it and I wanted them to know my intention to really push this as a pure combo of romcom and murder mystery. Maybe in the full feature script it would make sense to hold it back, although I did try to give it context by saying that Veronica has impulse control issues. Anyway thank you so much again!!
I actually wasn’t sure wether to say it because it is a screenplay. So there are evidently rules for it I may not know :) I agree that everyone here is so positive which is really nice but doesn’t help growing. Since you know about dialogue and scenes I’d love for you to give feedback on this:
https://open.substack.com/pub/getachewmaya/p/pick-your-poison?r=6qa8zb&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
I love the snappy dialogue in this and found both protagonists interesting. It feels to me like the start of a longer series; odd-couple private detective duo solving crimes that the police can't. It's a popular trope on TV at the moment. I'd love to read a follow up where they find the murderer!
Thanks, Matt. I’ve attached a big producer and a director with the idea to adapt this into a romcom murder mystery feature. I’ll be producing. But likely not adapting myself. I can’t wait to be able to publicly announce who is involved as I am pinching myself. Really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment!
Wow this is incredible, as a reader I kept wanting more and still do!
Hmmmm definitely a interesting and mysterious read. Thanks for sharing 💯💗
Thank you so much for taking the time and generously restacking! It means so much to me that you enjoyed! 🙏
I can see why this got snatched up for development! The intrigue, pacing, and snappy dialogue make it all be begging to be acted out onscreen—I’m definitely envisioning star charisma for these characters. Kind of imagining Margot Robbie again 😆 but maybe that’s just because I was already thinking of her from Bunny. I dunno, she could 100% pull this off though.
Like some other commenters, this is not necessarily my genre, but it kept me engaged and very interested in the outcome. So it’s quite educational for me as far as understanding what kinds of stories are drawing interest for development, and what all that looks like! Very cool. Thanks for sharing your work!
That opening with the Newton’s Cradle and funeral chaos hooked me instantly. Excited to see where Veronica and Jimmy go.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read! That means so much to me. As of now, the most likely expansion for this is as a script written by someone WAY more qualified and experienced than me. Can’t wait to announce it! In the meantime, if you liked this you may like “bunny never sleeps” or “interdimensional beings”. My Substack is always free. Hope you keep in touch. Thanks again. 🙏
This was very intriguing. The writing pulled me in and I really like how realistic the inner monologues were… how they each make such quick, unfounded judgements like people are so apt to do: “daddy issues” “high school drop out”
I also enjoyed the casual reference to the constant diagnostic fluidity that earmarks our current mental health industry… our friend Jimmy lists off a whole series of reasons for his symptoms before establishing he and the good doctor never quite nailed it down. Nice.
Thank you so much for sharing!
Thank you so much for this. As I’ve written in the comments this one was tricky because mental health is such a hot button issue that everyone takes so seriously today and so trying to write about it with a light touch risks offending — but I am so happy many people have “gotten” the tone and what I was going for. It’s all just such a huge part of our culture and the way we talk now that I want to have a little fun with it. I have always always gravitated toward stories about a range of mental health issues from neurodiverse characters to straight up sociopaths. We are all on various spectrums and have our issues and I think actors want to play these kinds of characters. I love SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK as an example.
Great read! Loved the build up and the final similarities between the two characters 🙌🏻
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and all the way to the end. That’s so nice of you. Glad you enjoyed! Hope to keep in touch. If you liked this you might like “bunny never sleeps” which sold to Netflix.
This is made great.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment! It means so much to me. After Netflix killed the project “bunny never sleeps”, and I was rejected by publishers for the short story collection — I never thought anyone would ever read my stuff! Thank you. My Substack is and always will be free. Please keep in touch! If you liked this, you may like “Bunny” or my other wild female narrators in “sharp instrument” and “blue light”.
Max, Well done!! Really enjoyed every bit of this . I could picture every single detail as if it were a movie . You have a new subscriber .
Thanks! That means so much. For some reason this story hasn’t gotten as many comments as some of my others but I’m really proud of it and the level of talent coming together for the film version is kind of crazy.
I would love to see it. I know it will be great! You're welcome.
Thank you. Hope it gets made! We will see.
Really liking this! One food-for-thought note: Veronica falling for Jimmy so fast hits that familiar trope where a smart, self-aware woman falls hard for a chaotic, low-effort guy (and a proven liar). She mentions he’s handsome and charismatic, but she also clocks that he looks like a high-school dropout who works at a gas station - which makes the attraction feel confusing/less believable. It’s the one place where Veronica starts to read like a woman written by a man, because it undercuts her standards and self-esteem. If that dynamic is intentional, maybe lean into it. Is he a breath of fresh air in her buttoned-up, type-A life? Does he offer an “answer” in a world that feels full of riddles (including her own mental health)? Giving us a bit more insight into why this guy hits her so hard would make the whole thing feel more grounded. Excited to see where it goes next!
Thanks, Laura. I really appreciate it. It’s rare on Substack to receive any actual constructive criticism so I am happy to hear this. As a man who writes many female led projects, these issues are particularly important to me. As we adapt it into a feature I would want to clarify a few things. My feeling was that Veronica is not someone who is at a point in life where her standards and self-esteem are riding high. Both characters are at low points and vulnerable (I really am inspired by the pairing in SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK — they both have issues!) And despite Jimmy’s townie/gas station vibe he does have a lot of appeal beyond looks and charisma. For one thing: he’s right that it was a murder. In my mind I see them as two people who everyone around them has stopped taking very seriously — and for the first time, they are in a situation where there is one other person, the only person who does. So yes, what I’m going for is exactly what you articulated. For Veronica, Jimmy is exciting because he offers an earnest, sincere opportunity to believe in something. I’m very much interested in how in our current culture people cling to conspiracy theories and true crime cases to give their life meaning. And I think it’s genuinely romantic to watch two misfits be the only ones to believe in each other. She does fall too fast and kiss him too soon and declare her love way too soon. But I chalk that up to one of her “undiagnosed” issues being impulse control. And I think it’s fun to imagine a female character going through an “investigation” with a trait like lack of impulse control which is typically a male thing. Mostly I want to have fun on this ride with them and not shy away from the fact that real mental health issues can be serious and it’s good our culture is more open to talking about them, but they are also sometimes funny and that’s okay. When it comes down to it we all have issues!
The impulse control issue is a great angle (so much opportunity for chaos!). It even makes me think there could be some love addiction at play.
Absolutely. The idea of love addiction is great. I think Veronica is a somewhat dangerous character for me to write as a man because out of all my female leads she is the type that is the most vulnerable to being seen as a cliched “weak” woman. We went through an era there where all the female characters had to be #girlboss “strong female leads” and “badasses” and I got a bit sick of it. I like messy people. I like “unsympathetic” women. I think both characters will be redeemed by being right in the end and solving the murder.
Loved the twist at the end with the poison and Jimmy's true identity. It should be on Netflix!
Thank you so much! It’s kind of crazy thing to ask perfect strangers to read your fiction. So, I hope you enjoy! My Substack is and will always be free. Hope you’ll join us as we talk film industry stuff in the Notes daily. Let’s stay connected! Good news on this one is we are making some crazy progress putting it together for film. Hope to update everyone soon.
Cool story!
Thanks so much time for taking the time and reading!
Thank you. I enjoyed it!